By Ella Maas
Hello!
First of all, congratulations on hacking me. I know it’s a competitive field, so I appreciate you choosing to spend your time targeting me.
Before you hack again, though, I wanted to give you a little performance review. I think there’s a lot of potential here, and with a few adjustments, your next hack could be significantly more successful.
Creativity: 2/10
Let’s start with creativity, because I think this is where you have the most room for growth.
When Annabelle Miller got hacked last year, you sent an email to the entire school inviting them to sign up for her pancake party. How fun! How creative! Everyone loved that.
And you know what? It worked really well. Everyone was willing to give their info so they could go to her pancake party.
Which is why I was aghast to learn that when you hacked me, your big idea was to invite the entire school to sign a document.
Just a document.
Who wants to sign a document (especially when there are no pancakes involved)!?
Look, I know we all have rough days where our creative juices aren’t really flowing. It happens. But really, it would be in your best interest if you put a little more thought into your next campaign.
Maybe invite everyone to a petting zoo? Or a viewing party for a rocket launch to the moon? Something with a little more excitement.
That way, you would get the clicks, and your victim would have something more iconic to talk about.
Everyone knew about Annabelle’s pancake party.
Ella’s document?
Who cares?
So, definitely room for improvement here.
Spelling: 10/10
Now, this is where you really excelled.
I absolutely loved your touch of bad spelling.
Since, in fact, I am a bad speller, all my friends and family just assumed that the poorly spelled word “open” (spelled “opean”) had to have been sent by me, not some hacker.
Brilliant.
No notes.
You really understood your audience.
Target Selection: 9/10
Another area where you showed excellent judgment was hacking my school email.
What brilliant thinking!
If my home email had been hacked, that really would’ve been a problem. But with my school email hacked, all you did was give me the inability to do my homework.
When my teachers said, “Ella, did you see the email I sent with the homework?”
And I could respond, “No, in fact, I got hacked.”
So honestly, excellent work here.
Contact List Management: 4/10
Unfortunately, this is where we need to talk.
When you sent the email, did you really have to send it to, like, everybody in my contacts list?
My seventh-grade soccer coach.
My boss at the ice cream shop.
And even the woman I once coordinated dropping off sandwiches to a homeless shelter for.
I understand if you wanna send it to some well-connected people in my contacts. That’s thoughtful. That shows initiative.
But my broke soccer coach and the woman at the homeless shelter are not gonna be banking your hack.
I think you should be a little more strategic next time.
Overall Performance: 7/10
All in all, really good job.
There were some questionable decisions, and I think you have a lot of room to grow, particularly in the creativity department. But you also demonstrated excellent target selection and a surprisingly effective understanding of my spelling weakness.
I don’t want you to get too discouraged by my critiques. You showed real potential, and I look forward to seeing how you incorporate this feedback into your next hack.
… Just maybe don’t hack me.
Ella Maas is a high school writer and photographer from Washington, D.C. Her work explores the humor and absurdity of everyday experiences. Support this writer.
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