My Swiss Air Experience Was Not Neutral

by Eric Tosky

Swiss Air: it should be first class. It isn’t. The woman beside me can’t fit her dog’s carry-on bag under the seat. She paid an extra $250 for the dog, and there’s a black box blocking the space. Could that be the black box?

Our entire row’s headsets provide no sound. I considered bringing a book but decided: never bring a weighty book when there are so many movies to watch.

We change earplugs twice. Nothing.

“What would you like to drink?” the flight attendant asks.

“Alcohol.”

“What kind?”

“The strong kind.”

Four tiny Dewar’s bottles appear. Barely consolation.

The male flight attendant claims the entertainment “reset” sometimes takes five minutes. A convenient lie. There will be an eight-hour entertainment blackout.

I am on my third Dewar’s. A credit is promised. What could it be? A cuckoo clock? A wheel of Gruyère?

My wife requests access to Swiss Air Wi-Fi. We get the secret code normally reserved for the front cabin. I reach my Audible account and listen to Chernow’s Alexander Hamilton until…

The Dewar’s hits. Hard. I break into a cold sweat. Freezing. My stomach is experiencing turbulence. I will either vomit or have a violent bowel movement. I feel like I have malaria. The airline blanket over my head does nothing.

I avoid vomiting, but the violent bowel movement arrives. We land in Zurich and must migrate across the airport for the Malta connection.

Halfway human, I appreciate life again. The Swiss look healthy, tall, and well-fed. Their eateries resemble something from the Grand Hotel. I still can’t eat, but I can look at food.

We are last to board the Malta flight. The doors shut. The seats are roomier. There’s an empty seat between us. The flight lasts an hour and forty-five minutes.

Nothing is offered except a bottle of water. I ask for a cup of ice and drink it on the rocks.

Eric Tosky is a retired orthotist who spent 40 years making braces for children with bone and joint diseases. He now writes humor pieces drawn from travel, work, and the small indignities of daily life. You can read more of his work on Medium.